The Body Issue

QUIZ: Which bodily sound effect are you?

Take this quiz to find out if you’re a burp, vom, fart or a low grumble

Whether we do it on purpose or not, our bodies make all sorts of different sounds all the time. However, some sounds just perfectly embody (no pun intended) our personalities in a way that words simply can’t.

Take this quiz to determine which bodily sound effect best describes you:

What do you do when you get hiccups?

  1. Scare myself by looking at my student debt to make the hiccups go away.
  2. Drink water, maybe juice if I’m feeling a little fruity.
  3. Hyperfixate on the pattern of hiccups and count the seconds in between them like lightning during a thunderstorm.
  4. I hold my breath, say the name of a person I believe is talking about me three times and intensely think about them until my hiccups either go away or I come up with someone else who could be talking shit.

You see your ex’s mom in a Shoppers Drug Mart. You…

  1. You make sure SHE says Hi to YOU first and proceed to tell her how AMAZING you’re doing and that you’re WAY better off now.
  2. Avoid eye contact at all costs and hide in the greeting card aisle.
  3. Say hello and ask her how her kid’s doing—you were their parents’ favourite partner, so you deserve to know the full tea.
  4. Take a picture with her and send it to your ex with a tasteful ‘YO MAMA’ joke.

How do you approach your lactose intolerance?

  1. I just raw dog it. #YOLO, amirite? Sure I’ll be sitting on the toilet completely undressed for hours due to the intensity of the horror that is exiting me, but it’s all worth it for a little chocolate ice cream.
  2. If I even smell animal milk, I take my vanilla-flavoured lactose intolerance pill, curl up into a ball and pray it’s all going to be OK.
  3. It’s not a big deal—sometimes I’ll take my pill, sometimes I won’t. If someone offers me a mozzarella stick I won’t turn it down, ya know?
  4. Lactose intolerance? I thought everyone shits their pants after a milkshake.

When you watch a sad movie, how are you reacting?

  1. Throwing up
  2. Shitting
  3. Screaming
  4. Crying

You’re hungover at girls’ brunch. What do you do?

  1. The best way to cure a hangover is to never stop drinking. Bottomless mimosas baby!
  2. I pop the Advil-Gravol combo along with my vanilla-flavoured lactose intolerance pill, of course.
  3. If I’m hungover, then everyone is hungover with me, whether they drank or not. Match the energy or leave.
  4. I simply didn’t make it to girls’ brunch because I couldn’t get out of bed.

What’s your zodiac sign?

  1. Air (Aquarius, Gemini, Libra)
  2. Earth (Capricorn, Taurus, Virgo)
  3. Fire (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius)
  4. Water (Pisces, Cancer, Scorpio)

Quick! It’s the apocalypse and you can only keep one personal item to survive. It’s…

  1. My juicy BBL, the zombies will chase it and bounce off as if they were running at a medicine ball.
  2. My vanilla-flavoured lactose intolerance pill.
  3. My Pentatonix Christmas Deluxe vinyl album.
  4. My will to live, laugh and love.


Mostly As: A splash of vom

This one can be a fun surprise! You hope for a clean belch, but instead your 9 a.m. leftover chicken nuggets with a hint of BBQ sauce come up for a second round of digestion. Mmm, mmm, mmm, the flavours are actually melting on your tongue and sliding back down your throat.

Mostly Bs: The low grumble of your irritable bowel syndrome-ridden tummy

She’s a shy girl, but she makes her presence known when she needs to. Maybe you’re not a confrontational person and that’s OK. But if you let your emotions bubble up inside of you, they’re gonna come out like a burning hot flame—similar to that of your bowel movements—sooner or later.

Mostly Cs: A full-fledged, powerful, no-shame burp

This one stems from the deepest bellows of your body. As the burp comes up for air like a humpback whale in the ocean, you realize you are no longer in control of your actions and just accept that this belch will be heard by everyone on the planet. Like a mating call to another gassy fellow, the burp is a low, almost vibrato-like sound that earns either the respect, disgust—or both—of those around you, thus marking your territory as the alpha whale in the group.

Mostly Ds: A fart that you so desperately tried to keep between your cheeks but slips out in a silent lecture hall

It eez what it eez.