The Body Issue

Pitman bros break their silence: ‘Period sex is just gross’

Reports say they’d much rather wait a week before boning on Cheeto-stained common room couch

A riot broke out in Ryerson’s own Pitman Hall on Tuesday evening as local frat boys from Beta Kappa Eggy—Chad, Brad and Thad— denounced period sex and encouraged others to do the same.

The comment instigated Pitman Hall’s menstruating population to accuse the trio of being misogynistic virgins—to their hostile and completely convincing denial.

We sat down with the three self-proclaimed trailblazers—who are taking cover in their unvacuumed dorm-room-turned-“party pad”—to understand their motives behind the movement.

“Dude, it was just the thought of cleaning up that mess…It was enough to make me hurl,” Chad said from his favourite spot on their Cheeto-dust-stained couch. “I had to say something.”

“The thing is, how can females even expect us to have enough towels for period sex? You’re telling me I have to use my one and only shower towel? That’s just disgusting, man.”

“Totally bro, and honestly I’d just be scared in general,” Brad added with a solemn head shake from his seat next to the fist-sized hole in the wall.

“I mean you saw how crazy those girls got when we said how gross it is, now imagine how much worse it could’ve gotten if they were all on their periods? Have you ever heard how female praying mantises bite the heads off the males after they bang? These chicks aren’t that different.”

Laughs emmenated from the three as they exchanged high fives, exposing their matching yellow armpit stains.

“But in all seriousness,” said Brad, gathering the gang back to the matter at hand. “If a female was on her period and asked me for head, there’s no way she’d ever be invited back here.”

“Dude, are you saying that under normal circumstances, you would do that?” Thad asked, before sticking his hand down his pants; scratching, deep in thought.

“I would never—and I mean never—go down on a girl. That’s the hole they pee from, no way is my mouth going near that,” he said before taking a hit from their communal Juul. “Well, that’s what Joe Rogan says anyway.”

Chad joined in: “It’s not like girls can even orgasm, so what would be the point?”

The Eyeopener would like to clarify that Chad appeared to be speaking strictly from his personal experience.

When asked how many women frequent the “party pad” and if their views may be affecting those attendance rates, Chad, Brad and Thad exchanged sideways glances.

“Uhhhh, well, you know, lots, we get lots of those up here,” Chad said. “Lots from other schools mostly.”

“And you know, it’s only the beginning of the semester so we have yet to meet some from here, but when we do…if the bed‘s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin’—you know what I’m sayin,’” Brad said, elbowing Chad and Thad, knowingly.

What they think they know exactly, we at The Eyeopener can’t be sure.

***Due to white men attempting to appropriate Toronto slang, most answers were run through a translator before print.